I guess this is a side effect of so much moving around I wish I had learned more about before, oh, a few months ago. A lot of time, I deal with or have dealt with grief primarily by:
- weeping and/or obsessive e-mailing or facebooking. Note: e-mailing used to be in the form of letter or diary entries before the interwebs.
- more commonly, I do enough things to keep my mind and day busy. Usually, this screws me in some respect, such as in lack of sleep or lack of focus on one particular thing--I have said many times, and I'll say it again, I am not an expert at anything.
The second thing is a problem. I realize that I have a fear of not doing anything. This then leads to me find activities to fill every minute of the day for the next 300 years. It's not that I can't say "no" because I can and have. Graduate school is a great way to fill every moment of the day, and I look forward to vacations as a limited time period to relax and think. The problem is that sometimes when I think, I get sad or, more recently, very worried and scared. I'm not scared of my future with L, but I'm scared of my future for my research, and my dissertation. I'm scared of the choices I am/will need to make over the direction of my personal life in the next year or few years. I'm getting old, and I want to be done with grad school, but I don't know if I have the willpower to make it through the exams in June, let alone the dissertation process. I don't feel smart enough, I don't feel like I know what I should know to pass them (I'm very serious about this--I have little confidence in my ability to answer the questions coherently). I sit around and constantly wonder if I should go do something else that my puny brain can handle? I wonder if this is just a sign that I'm restless and need to go somewhere else, to another environment, ASAP???
4 more months to go.....
