Moving, QEs, Language

This week has been insane. It's another moving week. Did I mention I hate moving? Really, I know HOW to do it, I know what I can buy elsewhere, I know what needs to get done, I know (sort of) how to minimize and trash ETC. Meanwhile, I'm supposed to be writing QE statements for my PhD exams in early September. It's really difficult to concentrate when you have a million other things happening all at once. And I only finished my last seminar and its accompanying, mediocre, 30 page paper, about a week and a half ago.

In other news, I have decided that my Chinese is currently below sub-par. Pourquoi, oh pourquoi! I knew I should have chosen something more reasonable in the history field. Part of the last week I have spent contacting people in Beijing over the phone and through e-mail, and the last week I have started my self-taught Chinese lessons again. Currently: Reading/Writing: OK to good, thank god; Listening: OK; Speaking: very poor. My tones have gone downhill and I have lost a lot of vocabulary. I catch myself talking around the word until someone gives it to me. Example: today I couldn't remember something fairly obvious -- "you know in the 1930s when the Japanese went into China... uh, entered China because of the war... uh the Chinese didn't like that when they came in or entered China... uh..." my new (Skype!) Chinese teacher "you mean invaded?" me: "yes... when Japan INVADED China... thank you" [mental me: FML]. (The new Skype thing is pretty cool though. Yay for Skype video!)

The question is, will I be able to make my research happen? I am seriously worried.

Research money, living alone, friendship

Next year I'll be in Beijing doing my research and somebody will be paying me to do it. Why am I not happier about this? I started to think while I was out running and it turns out I'm really scared. No, I'm not scared about doing my research (although I should be). I'm scared and nervous because the official award notification came today and there's a clause in there about living in the country for a full 12 months -- without leaving. Vacations and holidays are not allowed. Sure, medical and family emergencies are an exception, but they must be approved and even then you might lose part of your award money. This got me to thinking about the ridiculousness of the way research has been done in my field, and it's probably also a reason why more people don't do it. How can they expect someone to plant themselves in a country for so long without *ever* leaving. Look, I understand that research requires a significant amount of time in the country and my full attention. I plan to spend nearly every waking moment in Beijing on my project. I even look forward to the "deep hanging out" element with other athletes, coaches, professors, students, and even archivists. I have no intentions of using any award money to go on holiday or travel anywhere outside of what my proposal stated. But I also need my sanity. I'm worried because I think back to my lowest, most depressing points when I sat alone in a room in Taipei and cried. In fact, that was pretty much a daily ritual until I acclimated to Taipei (whatever that means). After that it became more of a every-other-day sort of thing, until finally it only occurred weekly (basically, when I started my 8 week countdown to leaving permanently).

The other major thing I'm scared of is living in Beijing without my husband and without the companionship/friendship of someone nearby. (Bear with me here.) I have never been good at keeping friends, and I think a lot of this stems from my childhood. I have no close childhood friends, and I have no one I keep in close contact with from before the last years of high school (and then only 2). I am in semi-regular contact with only one friend from my undergraduate years. Prior to moving to Santa Cruz I had no close friends in the DC area (my parents being the exception). It made moving a lot easier. Furthermore, when something "big" happens to someone I used to be close friends with (e.g. when someone graduates, gets a new job, gets married, has a baby, or even visits where I now live--to name a few major situations over the last few months) I am not usually the first person people contact, and sometimes I am not contacted at all (good thing for facebook?) I have two close friends from high school (the only people I still talk to from high school aside from a teacher). When one got married a few years back, I was in her wedding, but I was far from being the maid of honor. I didn't hear much about her pregnancies and births until after they occurred, although I can probably be blamed for some of that. The other friend still lives in the DC area, but we typically only grab lunch or dinner together when I'm in town. I don't know what I need to do to be better about remaining friends or becoming closer to other people. I feel like when I leave SC everyone will just forget me, just like everywhere else I have ever lived. I never seem to be able to stay steady and contribute to a deep friendship so I guess I shouldn't expect them to do so either. Why am I so terrible at friendship?

Anyways, I think the reason this all bothers me right now is that L is probably one of only people I have even been very close to in my whole life (the other people would be my parents). Luckily, he felt the same way -- and we have been like two peas in a pod since. My other close friends (ok hmm maybe < 5 people) will be or are spread across the globe (literally on 3 different continents). None live in Beijing. In the past this has never been a huge problem, but this time I really don't want to move somewhere without anyone I am close to right there with me.

EDIT: While in the shower, I realized a better title for this post might have been "I run for sanity."