Friday, November 20, 2009

Constant indecisiveness

Should I have sushi, a sandwich, rice and dahal, a burrito, tortilla patatas, or crepes for dinner? Should I go to the gym, run, do yoga, or bike? What bus number should I take to campus? Who should I call to chat? No, maybe I won't call anyone. What movie should I see? What book should I read? Coffeeshop X of coffeeshop Y? Turn right or left or neither? What should I do for the next 5 minutes before I waste that 5 thinking of what to do???

I have a constant indecisiveness about things. I plan, for sure, but I still have trouble with any final decision (it's not really ever 'final', is it?). Sometimes I prefer having roommates, friends, my adviser, and my partner make my decisions for me so I don't waste time deciding. It's really bad, particularly when I'm late or change an idea at the last minute and need to re-route the rest of what I'm doing. Sometimes it's good. When I can't decide between a chocolate cake and cookies, I make both and make many people happy. But I wish, sometimes, that this didn't spill into my professional life. Right now I'm (yet again) trying to decide between at least 2--and possibly 3--different routes to take over the next two years, in at least two entirely different places. I wonder which I will choose? For some people, life is about stability and the occasional "vacation" away from whatever path they're on. For me, the path seems like it diverges, cuts off, or that I'm following multiple paths leading in several different directions. I have no idea what I'll be doing a year from now, let alone 2,5, or 10 years. This used to be exciting, and I still think it might be OK to change activities or jobs, but now it's becoming somewhat annoying. I feel like I have severe ADD when it comes to my professional life. Wouldn't it be nice to feel like an expert in something, anything?

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